Blind, stinking hate for fun and profit.

From Annie, who got it from Jeremy, who got it from Jim, and so on down the line to, I believe, the Biblical Abraham (though I can't be certain), it's the Hatred Meme! Because who likes someone who's positive all the time?


CANDY: Black licorice. It tastes like artificially sweetened bile, like you’ve just binged and purged a whole pound of Equal or something.

BEVERAGE: Grapefruit juice. It lures you in with it’s orange juicy appearance, and then pimp smacks your taste buds with awfulness.

COLOR: Barbie pink. I used to work at Toys R Us, and the Barbie aisle was always the worst. And it wasn’t the little girls, either; it was the menopausal Barbie collectors that always made it a miserable experience. Hardcore action figure collectors care a lot about package condition, but the Barbie ladies make them seem merely a little fussy. I hate them, therefore I hate the color that represents them.

TOWN/CITY: Providence, RI. “Let’s build a city without any parking at all,” said Roger Williams. I plan on going back and time and kicking him the head for that one. Also, despite the multitudes of truly fine legitimate Italian restaurants, people still flock to Olive Garden in droves.

MOVIE: Strictly Ballroom. I hate dancing movies. I hate bad romantic comedies that aren’t funny and feature characters I can’t even respect, much less bring myself to care about. So while there are very probably movies that are worse, this represents the Alpha and Omega of full-on movie hatred for me.

ANIMAL: The pit bull down the street that keeps getting into my garbage and growls at me menacingly in my own yard. I’m generally a peaceful, easy-going guy, but I wish nothing but bad things on that beast. I will throw a party when it’s dead.

INSECT: Spiders, centipedes, and those fat worms that look like green dryer tubing.

BIRD: Pigeons and seagulls, because they try to either steal your food or crap on it, and any bird that thinks 5 a.m. is an alright time to sing loudly outside my window.

SEASON: I really don’t like extreme heat or cold, so I could do without most of both summer and winter. Perpetual spring and fall would be pretty awesome.

AGE OF KIDS: Kids can be crappy at most any age, actually. So don’t just hate the kids, hate the terrible parents who raised them to believe it’s acceptable to act like a total ass pretty much all of the time.


DRIVING: Learn to merge properly, humanity! It works like a zipper… everyone lets one person in, and it all flows together smoothly. Also, if someone is on the side of the road for any reason whatsoever, we don’t all need to slow down (or stop completely) to gawk. Honestly, we don’t. I’m not lying about this. And tailgaters… if you’re so interested in the contents of my trunk or backseat, how about we both pull over so I can give you a proper look?

TALKING ON THE PHONE: Just about everything about the phone bugs me, truthfully.

WHILE WATCHING TV OR MOVIES: Stop asking me questions about what’s going to happen. Isn’t that why you’re watching the movie, to find out what happens? Just let it play out and leave me alone!

EATING IN RESTAURANTS: Dear Waiter or Waitress, please check back on me every so often to make sure everything’s alright, and let the refills flow with reckless abandon. I know you have a lot of people to keep track of, but your tip depends on my happiness, and I’m the sort of guy who will tip well for good service even if I’m not terribly psyched about the food.

DRIVE-THRUS: I prefer to have actual human contact when ordering food. Also, it’s easier to correct any mistakes in person than having to drive back around or stop and go inside anyway. Plus, if we’re talking about someplace like Dunkin Donuts, I like to go in and see the selection available to me rather than just guessing what’s available.

SLEEPING: I get so little, and it’s been that way for as long as I remember, even before parenthood. A good night for me is waking up less than 5 times. I’ve had maybe a dozen really excellent nights of sleep since, oh, 1983 or so, and I wish I could do something to change that.

SHOWERING: The hot water in our house is painfully inconsistent. I get a really good shower once a week, maybe twice if I’m very fortunate. The rest of the time, it’s a minute or two of hot water, a minute of lukewarm, and five minutes of me threatening to destroy every piece of plumbing in the house if it doesn’t warm up again damn soon.

YOU'RE AT THE BEACH: See, that’s the problem right there. I really dislike the beach and just about everything about it.

YOU'RE AT THE GROCERY STORE: I realize the aisles are small, and people are going to occasionally going to block each other. But you know what? Those Emeril Lagasse marinades aren’t going to go anywhere if you divert your gaze long enough to let me by. I promise you.

YOU'RE ON A DATE: I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date without already being involved with the person I’m on the date with. I never did the thing you’d always see on The Brady Bunch or whatever, where people go on dates for awhile and then get together after deciding they liked each other. It was always sort of a period of just hanging out with a girl, then sloppy, awkward make-outs, and then we’d actually go places that required money and/or planning. That’s more or less the way everyone else I knew operated, too. Do people go on for-real dates anymore?

COOKING OR BAKING: I’m pretty terrible with knives, and I’ve got a couple of fun scars on my fingers to prove it, so although I enjoy both cooking and baking, I farm out the chopping whenever possible.

WHAT HOUSEHOLD CHORE DO YOU DISLIKE THE MOST: Scrubbing the tub and shower. Way more effort then it’s ever worth, since you could use a sandblaster and never get it completely clean.

WHAT WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE WORST WAY TO DIE? Pretty much all of them, as far as I’m concerned.

WHAT'S MOST ANNOYING IN OTHERS? The way a lot of folks these days will make you listen to their opinions on anything and everything, but will shout you down and declare you to be wrong the second they disagree with anything you say. I listened patiently to your rambling, hateful diatribe, asshat, now you have to listen to me actually make some sense.

MOST IRRITATING THING ABOUT YOUR CAR/TRUCK? Nope. Not going there. I’ve had enough trouble with the thing. I’m not gonna jinx myself.

TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GIRLS? The whole bad boy fixation is pretty annoying. If he treats the rest of the world like crap, ladies, he’s not “different” with you. You’re either too blind or dumb to see it. And yes, he’s cheating on you, probably with a friend of yours, and they’re both laughing at you because of it.

TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GUYS? I hate that everything eventually turns into some sort of stupid contest. There are some aspects of life that don’t revolve around competition of any variety at all. And the way a lot of them think the only way to get a girl’s attention is to make the other guys around look bad in comparison. A lot of guys pull that one, and it seems to work a lot of the time. Which actually always made things a little easier, come to think of it, as I was never impressed by the sort of girl that this “lesser of two evils” approach works on, since they usually fall into the category I outlined in the last question.

WHAT/WHO IS ANNOYING YOU TODAY? The people who think that $230,000 is a completely acceptable price for a small, 3 bedroom house in Rhode Island. Real estate sucks.

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