An open letter.

Dear Entertainment Journalists,

Please stop trying to convince me that Justin Timberlake is dangerous and/or sexy.

This was the guy that Ashton Kutcher made cry on that episode of Punk’d. His participation in Nipplegate helped speed along the blanding of American pop culture. He then let Janet Jackson take the fall alone and literally begged for forgiveness so he could still play at the Grammies or something. He has Muppet hair. He was once considered for the role of Jimmy Olsen. And if push came to shove, I’m reasonably certain he was probably the fifth toughest guy in N’Sync (I know, a lot of you are thinking that title probably belongs to Lance Bass, but that guy’s had astronaut training; I think that counts for something).

In other words, I don’t buy it.

Sure, he can dance, he may have a half-decent singing voice underneath all the electronic trickery pop music producers use to "enhance" the talent, and he got to nail Britney Spears back when that was something people still wanted to do, but none of that is enough to counteract the facts as I see them. I mean, the Jimmy Olsen thing alone pretty much kills any prospect of dangerous and sexy for all time. Ask Jack Larsen or Marc McClure. And again: Muppet hair. Looks good on Muppets; on people, not so much.

So seriously, just drop it. I know you’ve been scrambling for new material ever since Michael Jackson left the country, but this thing? It’s not working.


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