Hi, I'm The Shield, an action figure from the 1984 Mighty Crusaders toy line from Remco, based on the Archie Comics superhero group of the same name.
Yeah, I know, I'm pretty shoddily made, and a weird amalgam of the worst action features of both the contemporaneous Super Powers and Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars lines. But, you know... Remco. What are you gonna do, right? I mean, that shield there, it's a whistle. Seriously. So, you know, if you're bringing me to a soccer game or some masher tries to put his grubby mitts on ya, I guess that'll come in handy. But, come on, I don't need to carry a shield, I am the Shield. Bulletproof costume and everything!
(Or was that my dad? Wait, which Shield am I, anyway? There were like 3 or 4 of me even back before DC got involved. Well, I'm clearly not the Lancelot Strong version. Because it's not like I would've liked to have been created by Simon and Kirby or anything. No, really, it's alright. I didn't need to be even at least kind of a little bit awesome. I'm fine. Honestly. Life. Don't talk to me about life.)
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, right, am the Shield, don't need a shield. Unlike some flag-wearing also-rans I COULD MENTION. I came first, dammit! ME! That guy with the funny wings on his head, he gets all the press and the credit and the TV movies where he wears a helmet and rides a motorcycle on a wall and fights Christopher Lee and travels cross-country in a sweet 70s conversion van, sure, but I came first. Me, baby. Me.
Assuming I'm my dad, anyway. It's really confusing. Have you ever actually read any of those Mighty Crusaders comics? There's like two of us running around at one point, both father and son, and there's all this faux-Stan Lee narration, and it's got a certain kitschy charm, I guess, but honestly, in comparison? This toy line ain't that bad.
Anyway, the point of all this - and there actually is a point to this, I swear - is to come out here and wish everyone a Safe and Happy Fourth of July. Don't blow yourself up with fireworks. You're probably not invulnerable like me.
Again, assuming that I am.
Wow, do I suck at this.