The Comic Book (Baby) Name Game

For some reason, we still get Parents Magazine (notable for being the one parenting magazine that doesn't have a tagline containing a passive-aggressive slam on fatherhood)... I guess Erin still reads it sometimes? Anyway, I looked at it for the first time in forever the other day since there was no other decent commode reading available (oh, like you don't), and flipped to the cover article about the best baby names for 2009. They broke their choices down into a dozen or so themed categories, leaving no potential audience segment unrepresented. Geographic names, royalty names, rock star names, and yes, even superhero names. Not all the choices in this latter category are that bad, really, but some... yeah, if there's any justice in the world, these are considered forms of child abuse somewhere.

Boys
  • Charles Xavier - Name you child this, and someone somewhere will hold your son down and forcibly shave his head. You know this, right?

  • Angel - Um, it could work, I guess. Strikes me as a better name for a girl, but that's just me.

  • Logan - Been popular for years with people who name their kids after last names or soap opera characters, so this is actually pretty common. And surprisingly gender-neutral (much more than Angel, I'd say).

  • Bruce - Sure. Nice to see this one make a comeback, actually.

  • Kalel - Their choice to remove the hyphen, not mine. Which makes filling out the name letter bubbles on standardized test sheets easier, I guess, but it still seems like a request for playground beatings to me.

  • Peter - Okay, yeah.

  • Clark - Ditto, though please, please, please do not name the kid this if your last name is Kent. And no Kent as a middle name, either.

  • Anakin - Naming your kid after the guy who grows up to become Space Hitler... fab.

  • Hero - That's just an awful lot to live up to, isn't it? Might as well just name him Awesome.

  • Robin - This one I like alright.

Girls
  • Elektra - Let's ignore the whole "assassin who worked for a dude called The Kingpin of Crime, later led an evil ninja clan, and turned out to be a Skrull" thing. If you want to name your daughter Elektra, you might want to look up the name's connection to Greek mythology, as well as the psychological condition that bears her name. I'm just sayin'.

  • Storm - How about you let her choose this one herself later in life if she chooses to become a stripper, okay?

  • Rogue - Ditto.

  • Domino - Wow... you could name an entire strip club's roster just from X-Men books. Don't think I ever realized that before.

  • Buffy - Even after the pop cultural impact of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, this name still seems a little too "Thurston Howell III-ish" for most regular people, you know? Maybe that's just me, though.

  • Mystique - You could call that X-Men themed strip club The Danger Room.

  • Jean Grey - You know, thinking about it, I really like this one. Sounds very Old English, and sort of like the true midpoint of geeky and classy. You could certainly do a lot worse.

  • Phoenix - And I'm thinking all the waitresses at The Danger Room could wear those little halter-top outfits that the women wore in Ultimate X-Men.

  • Angela - Wait, how is this a comic book name? The character from Spawn, maybe? Even with that, it's a stretch to include that here. Still, a name I've always liked.

  • Shera - This is either a de-hyphenated She-Ra, which is stupid, or like Hawkgirl's name, Sheira, without the "i." One is less cringe-worthy than the other. I'll let you decide which is which.

2 comments:

De said...

We named our daughter Miriya. Thankfully, Robotech remains reasonably obscure in the wake of the '80s nostalgia wave.

geekusa said...

I'm naming my daughter At-At and my son Doctor Who.

Because: I am a cruel, cruel man.