Where does the University find them, and why do they keep coming into the library?

The following is a transcript of an actual conversation I had with a student at work this morning. You have every right to be frightened for the future of America:

Bewildered Girl stumbles disbelievingly into the library

BG: Hey, you guys are open?

Me: Yup.

BG: Nuh-uh!

Me: (looks around at co-workers and the various other library patrons milling about for dramatic effect) Um, yes, actually.

BG: Really?

Me: Yes. Definitely.

BG: I thought you closed for break.

Me: Well, there’s Winter Session classes going on, so we’re open.

BG: So you didn’t close.

Me: (pause) No.

BG: And you’ve been open the whole time?

Me: (longer, Pinter-esque pause) For Winter Session, yes.

BG: So is everything else on campus open?

Me: Well, most of the food places are closed, and the dorms, too, but for the most part, the campus is more or less open. Since it’s Winter Session and there’re classes going on.

BG: And you’re open, right?

Me: (pause approaching Shatner-like length) Yes. We. Are. Open.

BG: That’s weird. I thought you were closed.

Me: Yeah, I picked up on that.

BG: Weird.

(BG shuffles off in a profound state of disbelief)

Me: (turning to my co-worker, Wendy, who has been sitting there the entire time) You had no intention of bailing me out of that conversation, did you?

Wendy: (gleefully) Nope!